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| reading back, you can tell that so much has changed and how i have grown.
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| on monday the house is supposed to go on auction if the people dont pick up the phone to tell us if our foreclosure papers are in process and tell us if they can stop the auction
but knowin my mom and i's luck it wont happen
i dont know where we are going to go
i have got so much on my mind
today at work was just stressful and fustrating.
tommorow is the superbowl
i usually dont think that my life has been horrible. but lately i been thinking a lot about my past and it's been one hell of a roller coaster.
moving around from apartment to apartment every two years. my sister always bein mean and hateful to me. my dad never wanted anything to do with my sister and i until now, when he's married. all of a sudden he was to be a dad. being made fun of so much. friends walking in and out of my life, leaving me when i really need them.
i know that i do so much for people, but i can never meet someone who can do the same for me.
like i take so many people hours just because they dont want to work. but when i have something come up and i can't work, can i ever find anyone to take my shift? no. they always come up with some excuse.
or if do a favor for someone i can never get a favor back.
i wish i was lucky or more fortunate.
have a family.
a close family that do family things like family vacations, travel, talk and be close.
but thats far far farr from my family.
i never want to hear what i want to hear, i want the truth.
i want to go to a nice school but i cant. i can barely afford a community college.
i have so many dreams and so many things i want to do but so many things get in the way.
.....
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| my mom hasn't been home since Wednesday the 30 i think
i dont know but it's been a long time and im really worried
my mind is going crazy thinking about "what ifs"
i miss her so much
she really needs a phone
or at least call to let me know she's alright
i don't know what to do anymore
it's not the same around here
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| i really feel that there is something really wrong or bad about to happen
and it's not in my head and not because i havent eaten
it's in my gut and it's making me worry a lot
i think it has something to do with my mom
yesterday was my dad's wedding
and when i came home i thought my mom was home but she wasnt
i came home and the king's car was outside, i thought he was just here
and then i opened the garage and his motorcycle was here
i thought, how the fuck did he get that here and his car?
i walked around the house and he had made his ass at home
earlier yesterday my mom and i were talking and said that he was not coming back
he kept asking and and she said no and that he was stupid and lazy and that she felt that it was just right with just the two of us.
king said yesterday that my mom left the house around four or something
i need to find out for sure.
his shit is all here. and the pilot was parked in the car weird, so that the motorcycle would fit
he had moved everything else
when i came home last night at like 1 i noticed that my mom hadnt called me all night
and that when i came home she didnt get out her room to see me like she always does
because she wasnt home
and i also noticed that my room lamp was on
then i just figured out that my honda key is hanging in the wrong place
i always hang it on my left side closet door
i still wanna know how he fuckin got in the house..
i think that since he been here every once in a while he got in the room and found the key or some shit like that
godd i fear he has an obsession with my mom or something he wont leave us alone
always calling and coming here randomly christmas day i think wthh!
im about to lose it
and when my mom came home today she went to sleep and woke up again and caller her work to go in late and she came and asked me why king was here and how did he get in
and i was like "what?"
when i came home from work today he asked me where my mom was and stuff and i was like i dont know
because i really didnt
then i asked him if he had talked to her and he said yesterday at four-ish and that someone came to pick her up.
i always think that he's going to hurt her
and he said that my mom told him to stay here with me or something
i dont know what to think i really want to know the truth
because honestly, i'm really scared and concerned that he's going to do something
i wish others could understand how i feel
i need like security cameras because i dont know how he got in here
and just make hinmself at home by moving in without anyones consent
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| So i'm writing on here because this place just feels abandoned and i just need to vent.
I've always had family problems and it was always about the same things, money and disrespect.
I never imagined that it would escalate to this point. I'm so lost and confused...
It all started when Bunt wanted to move in; and in order to do that Souk and Bunt had to get engaged. So we had the engagement in summer. And as usual they gambled here, it lasted all weekend. Day and night. Dusk till dawn.
From that, my mom thought, "oh, this is a good way to make a little extra money". So my mom had been hanging around some of the wrong folks. Folks that practically gambled more than they worked.
So my mom decided to throw me a "birthday party". It was just another exscuse to have people come over and gamble. The "party" lasted almost two weeks. Two weeks of hell, two weeks of no sleep, two weeks of rude adults that didn't know any better. There was even a couple here gambling together.
One day one of them went to work and didn't have a car ride home. So they came up with the great idea of picking me to go pick her up. Along the lines that it was about midnight and i had work in the morning and also the fact that the Camry had been acting extremely weird, the wheels jerked. I ended up going to pick her up, because i had no choice. And so i went, i pulled into her workplace and looked for her, she was all the way at the end. And she came up to my car then stopped. And looked to the car behind me. It was her son. I was furious. I didn't understand why i had to pick her up and waste my gas when her son came and picked her up.
So i drove home and guess what happened along the way.. I got a flat tire. My car had been eating the inside of the tire all the way to the metal. Finally someone started listening to me when i told them that something was wrong with the car.
But anyway. The "party" last for two weeks. My mom had made major bank from the party. But no one new where it all went. She had owed people money and paid stuff off, i thought we were financially fine from then. But how to way those "birthday parties " work is that they go to different peoples houses and gambles for another two weeks. My mom had enough money to get us through, if she only kept working. But she didn't she made a wrong move and went and gamble and apparently lost all the money we had gained.
She kept gambling and gambling..Day in and day out. That's when I started to see less and less of her, that's when she stopped cooking. That's when i started starving. Of course i have and job and i can drive. I am old enough to take care of myself. But everyday when i came home i would be excited to see whats for dinner that day. i started to lose hope each day i'd come home from work.
So my moms been gambling and has been winning and losing money since about july.
It's october now. And we're in the worst financial situation. Well, that's what i feel. She hasn't paid the house payment in a couple months. She is overdue about $4200 dollars. And She keeps getting bank statements that she's overdrafted her bank like a hundred times. Not to mention. That her job puts 30 dollars into my savings each paycheck she gets so that i could be financially fine in the future. And that thirty dollars has been going in since maybe summer too. And i can't touch it until i'm 18. One would think that i would have bank in my savings account. Wrong. i have about two hundred dollars maybe less. Why? Because when my mom runs out of money she takes mine. I wouldn't mind it if it went to the house or something but it doesnt it goes to her trying to earn more money.
I understand that she's a single mom and that she is just trying to do what's best for our family but there is better
ways to make money. She doesn't listen to anyone.
Fall break just passed. The friday before it ended i had a bonfire party. My mom went to the casino.
I wanted to get wasted, i was so stressed with everything. i needed it. So i got drunk, yes it was wrong of me but there was people there that watched over me the entire time. the entire time. they even helped me clean up.
My sister called my mom and told her what was going on. And then she called me and chewed me out, but i felt if she new how i felt about everything it would be ok. At least i was at home and i wasn't driving. me and this other girl were the only ones that drank. and someone ever drove her home. we made sure everyone was safe. believe me i know better. When my mom called me i was halfway sober. And we had a clash of words. I told her how i felt. It didn't turn out so well. I said " you don't care, you don't care about anything, you don't cook and you don't do anything, all you do is go play cards.!" It was something along those lines.
My mom didn't come back home from the casino until i think that sunday morning. It was kind of funny. She came home actually cooked and then left again.
The next few days she gave me the silent treatment.
And i talked about how i wanted to go live with my dad. He might not have been there as a child but he was making an effort now and he was happy. At least my step mom cooked. i just wanted to stay there for a little while. But sister told my mom and everyone differently. like she thought i was gonna live live with him.
I'm way to attached to my mom to do that.
As time goes by..
I went to work last saturday. the eighteeth of october.
and while was at work my mom called me a couple times.
i never thought what i was coming home to was going to hit me.
My mom lectured me how she was trying to make a better living, to pay everything off.
And she was like how are you going to stay with your dad when he's never been there for you.
She always brings up the past.
I made her upset and this was her revenge.
She opened my eyes and made me feel terrible at the same time.
i understood.
then she gave me the option to go stay with my dad or stay with her.
then she has the nerve to stay if you leave, i'll cut all ties with you and you are no longer my daughter.
i'm kinda pissed about that. She just said it to boggle my mind.
i want to leave just to take a break from this place; it's stressing me out so much.
and her and souk got into big too.
her and bunt are moving out, looking for a townhouse. they offered to take me in too.
they said itd be better too. but i don;t know.
that's all i can say.
you see, my mom hit my sisters brand new car that shes only had to two months.
and my sister has a way of being butt about everything and this always get out of control.
she is selfish and disrespectful. but doesn't know it. or she does. she just doesn't listen to anyone.
a lot of the things she does and says always hurt my moms and i's feelings. she always finds a way to bum me out..
but she tries. i give her that.
So lately my mom has been asking me if i want to leave and all i can say is "i dont know"
because i honestly don't know.
i need time to think and my mom wanted an answer right then and there.
she's only thinking of herself too.
i love my family i just wished we all got along and understood each other.
i wish we had better communication. but that is forever impossible.
throughout this trouble i always told myself, "i'll just wait it out like i have all the other troubles"
but this has gone way too far. and there is no turning back.
this problem and just something i feel comfortable about much.
i'm in between my mom and my sister and i don't nothing to do with it.
they try to get messages from each other through me and when i don't know one of their answers
they get upset with me.
i have my life to do. i have school, a job.
i'm really trying to focus and do well.
with the ways that things are going it's really hard.
=/
it's sad to say that the most insane place to work keeps me sane.
work keeps my mind off of things. but since things are changing like the managers everything sucks.
they don't manage all so well. i hope heidi gets a good job and can get me one too.
i can talk to her about anything. she's the only reason i've stayed at chuck e cheese as long as i have.
i pray that things get better. i can't handle this anymore.
some days when i'm on my way to work i just want to jerk the car into a ditch so all my problems would just disappear.
i feel that i am having to grow up faster than i should be, i wasn't well prepared.
i miss home cooked meals oh so much.
i've been eating out everyday for almost 6 months. it really needs to stop.
with the way things are going now i should end all the dreams and wishes i have.
because i need a miracle.
and nothing ever good comes my family's way.
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